Broken is just the Beginning

"I love you, I'm just not in love with you anymore." Those words cut like a knife, oh the pain that came with hearing those words. His eyes seemed just as empty as his heart.

  Why?

 After a text argument while he was away at work, some very harsh words were said. We often say things when we are upset and angry and even if they aren't true, we direct them at the people who we are supposed to love most in this world. The person who loves you the most in this world. I was crushed. I called my mom, 'I want to leave.' Sobbed for hours. In that moment, I should have prayed more about what to do rather than just leave. I wanted to run away, to leave it all behind, the hurt, the pain, the anger. I should have stayed, stood my ground, but that isn't what I did. I left. I took my children out of their home and went to stay with my parents.

The Dream

I had been out of my house for 10 days at this point. He and I had only talked that one time when he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. I fell asleep after praying fervently for God to please show me what I was supposed to do. He and I were on our way to my cousin's wedding. He didn't want to drive, he wanted to walk. I thought this was just nuts as we would be walking up a mountain from my perspective. I'm wearing heels and a dress, after all, I was a bridesmaid! He's walking ahead of me and I'm following behind, tripping over sticks in my path, slipping on rocks, and trying to walk through very thick brush. After walking for what seemed like forever, I looked at the map and it said that we had over 100 more miles to walk! I begged him to please reconsider not walking and taking the car. "It's just way too far to walk. I can't do this anymore. Can we please just take a break? I'm exhausted." He said "Let's just sit right here and we'll rest." We rested for awhile and got back up to start walking again. We finally made it to the top of the mountain and he grabbed me and kissed me. I melted. The kiss was so genuine and so reassuring. Then I woke up. It was only a dream. It was 2:49 AM. I couldn't fall back asleep. I just sat there and sobbed in the fetal position. In that moment, my heart was completely broken for my husband. Not for myself, not for my children, but for my husband. Please, Lord, show me how I need to change to be a better wife for him. How can I love him in the ways he receives my love? Please reveal to me these things. And He has. I am a work in progress. I understand that I cannot solely take the blame for this, but I will own up to the things that I have done to cause cracks in the foundation of our marriage. I am focusing on working on myself and loving him from afar. Being the wife I was created to be. Loving him in the way God commands us to love even our enemies.