Our very first text converstation. You were talking about cooking Hamburger Helper. It doesn't sound like much but it makes me smile because I remember sitting on Kristi's deck and texting you and feeling so giddy! It was an exciting time.
Our first date. We watched Premonition. You held my hand. I felt so comfortable with you from the moment you walked into my driveway and picked me up. It was just so natural being with you. Then we didn't go anywhere fancy, we just ordered from the drive-thru at KFC and sat in the parking lot talking until our food turned cold. We went to Blockbuster and rented another movie, The Holiday, because we weren't really ready to end the date yet. We were having a great time. We laid on the couch and watched the movie. You kissed me. Our first kiss. You joked because it was like I had never been kissed before. It was special. When THE ONE kisses you, it's different, like no other time before.
Remember when we went to Florida and had some very deep conversations abojut love, loss, and life while sitting on the beach? I had an infected tooth, which left me in so much pain and you sat on the side of me, putting my left cheek against yours and put pressure on the right side of my face with your hand, where my mouth was hurting. You didn't mind. You wanted to do it. You did it for hours. It made me fall even more in love with you.
You asked me to marry you that very next week. Of course, I said yes! I couldn't wait to sepend the rest of my life with you!
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Never Stop
When this song came onto my Pandora, the words just pierced my heart. It was a song that described how I feel about you. I regret so much that I never told you to listen to it. I still feel like this.
"I’ll never stop trying
I’ll never stop watching as you leave
I’ll never stop losing my breath
Every time I see you looking back at me
I’ll never stop holding your hand
I’ll never stop opening your door
I’ll never stop choosing you babe
I’ll never get used to you"
"I’ll never stop trying
I’ll never stop watching as you leave
I’ll never stop losing my breath
Every time I see you looking back at me
I’ll never stop holding your hand
I’ll never stop opening your door
I’ll never stop choosing you babe
I’ll never get used to you"
You can listen to the entire version here. It's a very beautiful song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDrflxhW7nE
1 Corinthians 7:10-11
1 Corinthians 7:10-11
New International Version (NIV)
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
Well, all I can say is that I wish I had read this the night before I left.
*Ahem*
Keep moving forward....in Christ.
Well, all I can say is that I wish I had read this the night before I left.
*Ahem*
Keep moving forward....in Christ.
Thinking
When you are away from home, away from the everyday tasks and such, your awareness for what is really going on is heightened.
I prayed for God to reveal to me what it was about myself, to please release me of any selfish and unloving thoughts towards my husband. And it happened. Over these last few weeks, my love for him has grown and matured. It is indescribable. I have never felt this kind of love for him before. I know that the love I have for him has come from strength given to me by God.
As much as I was hurt by this turn of events, I had helped get us there over the years. I am no angel. I have failed my husband in many ways. I slowly broke him down over time. I have disrespected his authority in our home.
I will repeat this because it bears repeating, I know that we didn't get to this point just because of me, but I cannot change my husband, I will not accuse him of things, I will no longer speak ill words of him with friends. We do things like that when we're venting about our daily lives but it will always come back to bite you in the butt. Those petty vents with our friends and family about our husbands lead to cracks in the foundation. When the foundation of a house starts cracking, then the whole house eventually has cracks. Sometimes, they go from the floor to the ceiling. They are really unattractive, too. Sometimes, those cracks are big enough to divide people in the house.
But, there is hope! Foundations can be repaired! The walls can be repaired! The family can be restored! It can start with the outstretched hand of one person. When one spouse has gone astray, the marriage can still be revived, as long as the other spouse holds onto them with one hand and the other firmly holding the hand of Jesus. He makes all things new.
I prayed for God to reveal to me what it was about myself, to please release me of any selfish and unloving thoughts towards my husband. And it happened. Over these last few weeks, my love for him has grown and matured. It is indescribable. I have never felt this kind of love for him before. I know that the love I have for him has come from strength given to me by God.
As much as I was hurt by this turn of events, I had helped get us there over the years. I am no angel. I have failed my husband in many ways. I slowly broke him down over time. I have disrespected his authority in our home.
I will repeat this because it bears repeating, I know that we didn't get to this point just because of me, but I cannot change my husband, I will not accuse him of things, I will no longer speak ill words of him with friends. We do things like that when we're venting about our daily lives but it will always come back to bite you in the butt. Those petty vents with our friends and family about our husbands lead to cracks in the foundation. When the foundation of a house starts cracking, then the whole house eventually has cracks. Sometimes, they go from the floor to the ceiling. They are really unattractive, too. Sometimes, those cracks are big enough to divide people in the house.
But, there is hope! Foundations can be repaired! The walls can be repaired! The family can be restored! It can start with the outstretched hand of one person. When one spouse has gone astray, the marriage can still be revived, as long as the other spouse holds onto them with one hand and the other firmly holding the hand of Jesus. He makes all things new.
Broken is just the Beginning
"I love you, I'm just not in love with you anymore."
Those words cut like a knife, oh the pain that came with hearing those words. His eyes seemed just as empty as his heart.
Why?
After a text argument while he was away at work, some very harsh words were said. We often say things when we are upset and angry and even if they aren't true, we direct them at the people who we are supposed to love most in this world. The person who loves you the most in this world. I was crushed. I called my mom, 'I want to leave.' Sobbed for hours. In that moment, I should have prayed more about what to do rather than just leave. I wanted to run away, to leave it all behind, the hurt, the pain, the anger. I should have stayed, stood my ground, but that isn't what I did. I left. I took my children out of their home and went to stay with my parents.
The Dream
I had been out of my house for 10 days at this point. He and I had only talked that one time when he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. I fell asleep after praying fervently for God to please show me what I was supposed to do. He and I were on our way to my cousin's wedding. He didn't want to drive, he wanted to walk. I thought this was just nuts as we would be walking up a mountain from my perspective. I'm wearing heels and a dress, after all, I was a bridesmaid! He's walking ahead of me and I'm following behind, tripping over sticks in my path, slipping on rocks, and trying to walk through very thick brush. After walking for what seemed like forever, I looked at the map and it said that we had over 100 more miles to walk! I begged him to please reconsider not walking and taking the car. "It's just way too far to walk. I can't do this anymore. Can we please just take a break? I'm exhausted." He said "Let's just sit right here and we'll rest." We rested for awhile and got back up to start walking again. We finally made it to the top of the mountain and he grabbed me and kissed me. I melted. The kiss was so genuine and so reassuring. Then I woke up. It was only a dream. It was 2:49 AM. I couldn't fall back asleep. I just sat there and sobbed in the fetal position. In that moment, my heart was completely broken for my husband. Not for myself, not for my children, but for my husband. Please, Lord, show me how I need to change to be a better wife for him. How can I love him in the ways he receives my love? Please reveal to me these things. And He has. I am a work in progress. I understand that I cannot solely take the blame for this, but I will own up to the things that I have done to cause cracks in the foundation of our marriage. I am focusing on working on myself and loving him from afar. Being the wife I was created to be. Loving him in the way God commands us to love even our enemies.
Why?
After a text argument while he was away at work, some very harsh words were said. We often say things when we are upset and angry and even if they aren't true, we direct them at the people who we are supposed to love most in this world. The person who loves you the most in this world. I was crushed. I called my mom, 'I want to leave.' Sobbed for hours. In that moment, I should have prayed more about what to do rather than just leave. I wanted to run away, to leave it all behind, the hurt, the pain, the anger. I should have stayed, stood my ground, but that isn't what I did. I left. I took my children out of their home and went to stay with my parents.
The Dream
I had been out of my house for 10 days at this point. He and I had only talked that one time when he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. I fell asleep after praying fervently for God to please show me what I was supposed to do. He and I were on our way to my cousin's wedding. He didn't want to drive, he wanted to walk. I thought this was just nuts as we would be walking up a mountain from my perspective. I'm wearing heels and a dress, after all, I was a bridesmaid! He's walking ahead of me and I'm following behind, tripping over sticks in my path, slipping on rocks, and trying to walk through very thick brush. After walking for what seemed like forever, I looked at the map and it said that we had over 100 more miles to walk! I begged him to please reconsider not walking and taking the car. "It's just way too far to walk. I can't do this anymore. Can we please just take a break? I'm exhausted." He said "Let's just sit right here and we'll rest." We rested for awhile and got back up to start walking again. We finally made it to the top of the mountain and he grabbed me and kissed me. I melted. The kiss was so genuine and so reassuring. Then I woke up. It was only a dream. It was 2:49 AM. I couldn't fall back asleep. I just sat there and sobbed in the fetal position. In that moment, my heart was completely broken for my husband. Not for myself, not for my children, but for my husband. Please, Lord, show me how I need to change to be a better wife for him. How can I love him in the ways he receives my love? Please reveal to me these things. And He has. I am a work in progress. I understand that I cannot solely take the blame for this, but I will own up to the things that I have done to cause cracks in the foundation of our marriage. I am focusing on working on myself and loving him from afar. Being the wife I was created to be. Loving him in the way God commands us to love even our enemies.
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